Trust

Trust is a hard thing. I just looked it up online, and the definition according to Merriam-Webster is:

Trust: a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed
2 a : dependence on something future or contingent

I think the hard part for me is part # 2: dependence on something future or contingent, especially when I have no control over what happens or the direction something is going. If I can't depend on the outcome or even trust that the way to get there was valid or makes sense, then I get nervous sometimes. It's been interesting the last few weeks to learn more about myself and to take some of the initially hard to swallow thoughts and comments and just chew on them awhile (there's a good old central PA-ism there for ya). I guess not being able to trust in the sense of not being able to depend on future results shows a lack of trust in the sense of #1. If I can't trust that the outcome will be okay, even though the way doesn't make sense, then I'm not having assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of God. I think my lack of trust comes sometimes from not wanting to give up control, or the semblance of control. Making decisions without all the information is extremely hard for me. I've been trained to research all the information and then make the best decision given my amount of knowledge and experience and training. And then you revise your decision if new info comes along. But people aren't like that. You can't always just go back and take back what you've said or done. So if I don't know the answers, then I have to "let go and let God". Which is kind of crazy if you think about it. People who hear other people or voices talk to them and tell them what to do are generally called crazy and put in insane asylums!

It's also interesting thinking of how God gives us a choice on many things, yet we've been taught that He knows what's best for us. And he does. Sometimes though, praying feels kind of pointless in some respects, because if he knows what's best for us, then why bother asking for something that's not the best, if he's going to give it to us anyway? And why, if he's given us intelligence and made us in his image and put his spirit in us, can't we ever know what's best for us? I'd think that at least once we'd get it right, just by statistical chance. But I guess it goes back to limited sight, and seeing through a glass darkly. If you're a kid and you have only ever tasted vanilla ice-cream, you're going to ask your dad for vanilla ice-cream. But what if he gives you chocolate chip? It's still ice cream, it's still vanilla, but oh so much more tasty! And now your horizons are expanded. Or what if he gave you mocha almond fudge or peanut butter cup or moose tracks or rocky road? wow! that would be incredible :) By the same token, sometimes if we ask for mocha almond fudge, he might only give us vanilla. Because he knows that we've had 4 shots of espresso that day and 2 cokes and 2 pieces of birthday cake! and if we ate mocha almond fudge, that would be too much and we would get sick. So what am I saying? I don't know exactly. I just want to be able to trust Him more, and not feel that last little bit of reluctance in my heart which prevents me from complete relenquishment of control....oh that I might get there soon and not be afraid. Because I'm my beloved's and he is mine...and his banner over me is love.