God is into details...

I've been wanting to write about my Thanksgiving for several days now, and it seems like something I should do, just because everyone else with a blog that I read has published about their Thanksgivings, and it would be interesting to write about. But now that I have time to sit down and write it, I really don't want to. And it's interesting - I kind of feel like sitting down and writing it out and having people read it is kind of weird at the moment. Because mostly all of the people that read my blog are people that I interact with on a daily basis, so having you guys read my blog to find out how my Thanksgiving went, especially since it's almost a week past just feels weird to me. And since I've been thinking it out, it seems more suited for my journal than my blog. But now I'm just rambling.

Lately however, I've been thinking about how life is really complex. That sounds stupid to say, but I'm not talking about personal life issues, but life itself. As in DNA and molecules and organs and what drives us and motivates us. It's kind of ironic, the higher up you move in science, the less you want to deal with God. So many scientists and professors I know go crazy if you even dare to think of the fact that God is behind the workings of science. I guess they figure that as we advance in knowledge, we can explain away God because we can comprehend why things work in the natural world. Yet, the more I learn about God's creation and our human bodies, the more I am blown away by the complexity of it all and I am driven to stand in awe of such a great creator! He knows how all of this works! Even more - he DESIGNED it. That is so amazing to me. In the process of developing drugs to cure illnesses, it's amazing that there are so many medicines that we don't know how they act, we just know they produce a desired effect. And other drugs that we "rationally design" that have so many unintended side effects. And you can spend your whole life studying one particular protein in the body and still not know the complete picture and how it fits into normal or abnormal functions in the body.

I've also been thinking a lot about emotions as well. There are different thoughts on emotions, especially the extremes. Sometimes people say that emotions (especially the extreme ones) are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, which I think can be true. Some people think that emotions are the figment of our imaginations, and it must be squashed and logic should take over. But no one really knows how or why we have the emotions we do. And why do certain physical triggers affect our emotions? Like hunger. Hunger is a physical thing, yet it can produce so many emotions. But if emotions are just all chemically based, then how can we reason our way out of things? Take the dark for instance. About a month or so ago, I was sitting in my living room, reading about Saddam Hussein's guilty verdict. It was dark out, and the subject was kind of weird and creepy. All of a sudden I hear a knock on the door, and this kid is there, in a leather jacket, and a stocking cap. I'm immediately in a state of apprehension, given all of that. It turned out to be okay, but I had to talk myself out of being scared. And I was able to mentally be okay, even when my body was still on alert. And emotions are further complicated by the fact that the same situation doesn't produce the same feelings all the time. Again, the dark. I can be in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night camping, and be at peace and comfortable. I can be in the woods in the middle of the night walking somewhere, and be totally freaked out. So that argues against a purely chemical basis for emotion. In that case, I'm left to the Creator and Designer to say that he made us somehow to be emotional beings. Even if people would say that the situations are not 100% the same because of subtle differences, I would still have to come back to the creator. Because if it all is 100% chemical balance, there would have to be billions of possible combinations depending on the scenario, the contextual clues, and the mix of hormones and chemicals. Can you imagine - humans only use about 10% of their brain capacity on learning and thought. Can you imagine all the stuff God needs to keep track of and how much greater He is? It just blows me away.

Reminds me of Psalm 8.

Moving up and moving on

So I'm taking a break from cleaning my room (a long overdue chore!) I've been sorting through a box that has moved with me from my one apartment on campus to the other apartment (Dec 2004) to my current apartment (July 2005). So here it is, November of 2006, almost 2 years since the first move, and the stuff has been sitting in this enormous box for me to trip over everytime I try to get into my room. It's an odd assortment of old papers, lists of books I'd like to read, some Psalty and Colby cassette tapes from my childhood, random hair ties and what seems like millions of double A's that are long since dead. Kind of funny to think about, since most of this stuff did have a use at one point in time, and was "needed", or I wouldn't have purchased it in the first place. And now, especially since it's a bunch of little things in the bottom of the box, it seems like useless clutter, and I'm tempted to through the lot of it out the window for the garbageman to carry away. But I will continue to sift through - I'm telling myself to just put away one thing at a time, and then before I know it, it will be done! I will say though, I did discover somethings I thought I had lost forever, so it is exciting to know that I can still find them and use them. Thought I'm kicking myself, because it's so close, yet so far!

I guess it's good to do this sorting at the beginning of the holiday season, so I won't be as tempted by all those ads touting stuff you "must" have, or else you will cease to exist. Speaking of ads, I really don't like that Nextel ad with the blinking cell phones. On the one hand, it's semi-clever, though on the other hand, it's just REALLY annoying, especially when they take the picture of the deer. Sorry, random side note. Back to the point. So it's good I'm doing this right before the mass consumerism pushed on us at Christmas. And I'm trying to get rid of things that are past their useful lifespan, but that I really want to hold on to. Like that really comfy t-shirt with ragged edges that I've had since the 90's (late 90's, but okay, that was a decade ago - yikes!) And why exactly do I need 25 of (insert your favorite toy here)? So my new motto is "less is more". Except of course, when it comes to violets :)

ducks make me smile

this morning I walked out of my house to go to work, and I was grumbling because of all the rain yesterday. because of this rain, we now have 4-6 huge ruts in our driveway, about 2 1/2 feet wide and about 6 inches deep. Plus, all the runoff created a mess in the yard, with leaves and debris everywhere! So I'm debating if I should ignore the problem and hope it goes away, wait 'till spring and nicer weather to clean it up, or just suck it up and clean the mess out of the yard.

As I pulled into work, I looked over at the huge drainage pond in front of the med center. It's normally dry and covered with grass, but everytime it rains a lot, that drainage ditch really does become a pond, or a medium sized lake. As I looked over, I noticed that there were 50-60 ducks and geese, having a wonderful time swimming around, flapping their wings and splashing each other, and practicing take-offs and landings. It was really fun to watch! They didn't care how the water got there, or that yesterday they were pelted with rain and were dodging lightning bolts, or confused because this lake wasn't usually there. they were thinking - hey, cool, a lake! hey - you splashed me! you'd better watch out - I'm gonna get you back!

maybe I'll go splash in a few puddles on my way home :)

it's 10:23 pm

Not that that is relevant, I just couldn't think of a better title! I'm amazingly content this evening, though I didn't get my "alone" time that I usually need today. It was a day where not much got done at all, but I didn't feel bad about it either. Perhaps since the holidays are coming up and I know I get a real rest before I gear up again. Or maybe it's something else, I don't know. I had a long conversation with one of my committee members today about my project. He wanted me to bring my seminar and go over each slide with him. And it was interesting - the whole time I was talking to him, I just felt this real contentment and this peace. Have you ever been so at rest or so at peace that it was almost tangible? Like you wanted to pick it out of the air and hold it close to you, basking in the enjoyment. Like the smell of cinnamon apple tea and the feel of the warm cup in your hand. Or like taking a nap or reading a good book curled up on the couch on an overcast day. It was so nice to feel that way. And he asked the most interesting questions -they were questions I should have known - if I reached way back into the far recesses of my mind - but strangely enough, I really want to go look them up now. And then I got the vegetables and came home and enjoyed a really good salad and then nachos from Taco Bell. After that, I went to Walmart with a friend who can't drive and doesn't get out much. And that contentment and peace just followed me all through the evening. And it's still here now, and still tangible. For the first time this week, I'm not going to go to bed because I'm bored! It's nice knowing that this evening somehow, someway, meant something, and wasn't just wasted and spent on myself. So now I'm going to sign off and go to bed, and may this peace follow me through the starry dust of my dreams and as I wake up tomorrow.