Waiting and wonder

This Christmas eve, I went to church twice, once in the morning as usual, and once in the evening with my family. Interestingly enough, both sermons were about wonder, and not losing the wonder of Christmas. Interesting again, because Joanna had just finished commenting the past Friday night about how crazy and amazing Christmas is, and how it's really kind of crazy to believe in some of the things we believe in. God coming down and becoming flesh? Kind of weird and yet wonderful at the same time.

At this point, I knew that God was trying to get a point across to me, but I've been too tired and kind of emotionally disconnected lately. It just seemed like too much work to try and wrap my head around wonder, when I had a hard enough time wrapping my head around wrapping the presents and catching up with people who were in town and the fact that I had to go to work every day in the past few weeks except Christmas Day.

The other thing that has also been in the back of my mind lately is Advent and waiting for things. I've been really frustrated lately waiting for things. It seems like I have a desire for certain things and God's placed that desire in my heart for a long time, but it just isn't happening. I can try to make it happen or try not to make it happen, but it just doesn't happen. And so I work myself up over it. Or there are other things that I know God has called me to, but I just can't see how they are going to work out. And again I fret and get upset, because I know I should just be patient and pray about it, but getting tired of not seeing immediate results.

This morning though, God gave me little glimpses and little answers to some of the wonder and waiting issue. On my way to church, I heard a sermon from last week on the radio. When I watched the movie the nativity story, the part that really got me was the part about the shepherds. And this morning on the radio, they repeated the story from Luke, and the part about the shepherds got me again. There they were, minding their own business and the sheep, and the angel of the Lord came, and the glory of the Lord shown around them! And the angels brought them good tidings of great joy, that to them a Savior had been born, who is Christ the Lord! And then, to top it off, the angels had to tell the shepherds how to recognize him - you will find him wrapped in cloth, lying in a manger?! And at the end, the shepherds went through the village telling people about the amazing things they had seen and heard. Wow, what a wonder-full thing that had happened! Can you imagine? Being a shepherd and believing this crazy thing enough to go and see it, and then to tell others about it. What a wonder.

During the church service this morning, someone shared during the sharing time about how they had been looking for and praying for a building for a rescue mission in Scranton. Finally, after two years, it's purchased and open. In talking about the New Year, a guy said that we think about a New Year and what we would like to get done in the next year, etc... But God is infinite, and he's outside of time and thinks about time differently. So when we don't see the immediate fruits of our prayers, we get upset. But God is still working in that time. It's actually pretty amazing. Perhaps while we are being faithful, God is working in someone else's heart so that they will do what he has called them to do. Perhaps they are stalling, or aren't hearing God's voice. Yet the God of the universe, who could strong-arm them into doing what he wanted, waits patiently for them to hear his voice and respond. And only then, can all the pieces come together to bring to fruition the prayers of his people.

So I don't know what this means for the New Year. I don't know if it's going to make it any easier in those moments where I just wish God would hear my prayer and answer it. But it is reminding me to watch for the wonder of God working in my heart and mind and to treasure those "God-moments" where I can see his hand at work.

To Him be the glory, for ever and ever, amen.

Culture, politics, etc..

I have been thinking a lot about culture lately. I don't know why, I just have. Last night I saw a piece on illegal immigration in Colorado. It was interesting, because this one place in Colorado has a bunch of illegal immigrants, and they are willing to have the jobs no American wants to do, like construction work. I don't really like the immigration debate, because sometimes it gets too political for me. But the most interesting part of the story to me was when they interviewed a white woman with kids in the public school. They were talking about how this school does bilingual instruction for everyone, with part of the time in English and part in Spanish. This woman was happy that her kindergarten son knew some Spanish, but she felt uncomfortable about the future, because her son was in the minority. She basically said she didn't want him to lose his culture and was in essence worried about her son becoming more confortable with the Hispanic culture. How ironic! It's funny, because I would be excited to have my kids learn more about another culture! I think it's great to experience different points of view - makes you more aware of your own culture. And yet here she was, a white woman in the US, afraid because her son was in the minority. Interesting irony.

I was a minority growing up, and faced "reverse discrimination" at the tail end of the time my family was in Houston. Strange though, because as a kid I just saw everyone as people, as my neighbors. But they were black and I was white, and so there was a difference.

Today I had an interesting conversation with a Russian guy at work. He was talking about how he has a hard time in English because of all the articles like a, an and the. Apparently in Russian, there are no articles. Although everything has a gender. So I was telling him if he had a hard time with English, he should try Spanish! Not only are there articles, but you have to get the right masculine and feminine articles for everything! So then we were comparing the gender of various inanimate objects between Spanish and Russian. It would be interesting to do a complete word study and figure out the differences in the gender of inanimate objects between languages. There has to be an interesting reason why "table" is feminine in Spanish and masculine in Russian. Then again, maybe no one really cares.

On the way home from work, I was listening to the news on the radio. There was some quote by someone talking about Iraq. It's been said a million times before, but for some reason I actually heard it today. Whatever important "knowledgeable" source was talking on the subject of troops in Iraq. And they said "the Iraqis need to want to take over the security of their nation. They need to want to take control of their country and quell the sectarian violence. They need to step up and take initiative for securing their own country". Basically this would be so we could get out of there. Say WHAT? The Iraqis need to want to secure their country? As if they are sitting around sipping tea and coffee all day, oblivious to the fact that hundreds of people die each month. As if they are waiting for us to say - oh, you can take care of securing your country now, it's fine by us. What about the fact that we came in, bombed the **** out of their country a few years ago, they are faced with a new way of life and a new way of thinking, they don't know to trust and who not to trust (I'm talking about Iraqis), they fear for their daily safety, and that it's going to take TIME to accomplish all of this? True, I don't want any American troops to die. But I think it's arrogant for us to say - we came in, left your country in disarray, and now we want to walk away from it! Of course the Iraqis want to be able to run and secure their own country. But going back to culture, let's acknowledge that it's a matter of different cultures and there needs to be some room for that. Let's acknowledge that democracy is a new thought for these people, and it's going to take some time for that to sink in. Let's acknowledge that maybe our way of seeing things and doing things isn't always the only way of seeing things and doing things. And maybe we can learn more by being in the minority and being uncomfortable rather than trying to rearrange our lives so we are always surrounded by "our own kind". Maybe we can learn something from our differences.

Moldy Nativities and other Christmas (mis)adventures

This past week, Joanna and I set out to decorate the tree and get into the Christmas spirit. Well, let me tell you, that was harder than it looked! Our adventures started Tuesday evening when we decided that after a week and a half of having the tree, we really should decorate it. So we scoured the house looking for decorations, which were deep in hiding from last year. Having finally found a box (or more accurately a suitcase) containing some of the decorations, I discovered that we had one set of lights, and the cross-stitch nativity my mom had made smelled like mold. You see, it had been stored in the basement, and this summer the basement was damp a lot and so now lots of things smell like mold that have been in the basement. So we forge ahead and decide that we should decorate the tree the following evening.

Well, little did we know how the evening was going to progress! Here's how it went:
1) we get home, it's been a long day for both of us.
2) we decide to go ahead and put lights on the tree
3) we discover that one strand of lights is not enough for our fat, 5-6' foot tree
4) we try to play Christmas music - my CD player won't recognize the CD
5) Joanna: did you get cranberries to string yet? Kelly: Um, did you get cranberries to string, because I haven't!
6) Joanna: For heaven's sake - this is pathetic! Let's just go to K-mart and Weis and get lights and cranberries!
7) Kelly: Sounds good to me! And while we're at it, we should get some good Riesling too.
8) K-mart - doesn't have white lights, much less anything smaller than about 700 lights or icicle nets
9) Weis - only has colored lights, and we can't find the cranberries. The barely out of high school customer service manager is a boy, and suggest that since they don't have fresh cranberries, we should try canned. (Boys!)
10) Having finally located the fresh cranberries, we decide on the low-cost alternative to Riesling, sparkling grape juice. Besides, it's a worknight, so drowning our Christmas cheer in grape juice is probably a safer bet.
11) We get home and string cranberries. Did I mention we have a FAT 5'-6' tree? Yup, one bag of cranberries isn't going to cut it.
12) We finally scrape up enough decorations for the tree and we're all set. Yay!
13) we decide to celebrate by breaking out our sparkling grape juice - hooray! And we promptly gag on the juice, which smells and tastes like it's been sitting in the hot, humid basement for months!

BAH HUMBUG!

So after all of our Christmas adventures, let's just say I wasn't feeling much in the spirit of Christmas. But then this week, God has been reminding me what Christmas is all about. Hearing all the Christmas music and having those songs in my head are great for focusing me back to the reason for the season. And we went to see the Nativity Story. And you know what? I bet that first nativity scene was pretty moldy and smelly. And their plans didn't go as planned, and I bet they weren't in the Christmas spirit looking for room in an inn and not finding any. And talk about humble circumstances without any decoration! But in that place, that tangled mess of broken lights and moldy nativities and dried up cranberries, God's plan shone through. And nothing could stop the Saviour from being born.

What Child Is This
Written by William Chatterton Dix

What child is this who laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet
While shepherds watch are keeping

This, this is Christ the King
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing
Haste, haste to bring him laud
The babe, the son of Mary

Why lies he in such mean estate
Where ox and ass are feeding
Good Christian fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading

So bring Him incense, gold, and myrrh
Come peasant king to own Him
The King of kings, salvation brings
Let loving hearts enthrone Him

This, this is Christ the King
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing
Haste, haste to bring him laud
The babe, the son of Mary

God is into details...

I've been wanting to write about my Thanksgiving for several days now, and it seems like something I should do, just because everyone else with a blog that I read has published about their Thanksgivings, and it would be interesting to write about. But now that I have time to sit down and write it, I really don't want to. And it's interesting - I kind of feel like sitting down and writing it out and having people read it is kind of weird at the moment. Because mostly all of the people that read my blog are people that I interact with on a daily basis, so having you guys read my blog to find out how my Thanksgiving went, especially since it's almost a week past just feels weird to me. And since I've been thinking it out, it seems more suited for my journal than my blog. But now I'm just rambling.

Lately however, I've been thinking about how life is really complex. That sounds stupid to say, but I'm not talking about personal life issues, but life itself. As in DNA and molecules and organs and what drives us and motivates us. It's kind of ironic, the higher up you move in science, the less you want to deal with God. So many scientists and professors I know go crazy if you even dare to think of the fact that God is behind the workings of science. I guess they figure that as we advance in knowledge, we can explain away God because we can comprehend why things work in the natural world. Yet, the more I learn about God's creation and our human bodies, the more I am blown away by the complexity of it all and I am driven to stand in awe of such a great creator! He knows how all of this works! Even more - he DESIGNED it. That is so amazing to me. In the process of developing drugs to cure illnesses, it's amazing that there are so many medicines that we don't know how they act, we just know they produce a desired effect. And other drugs that we "rationally design" that have so many unintended side effects. And you can spend your whole life studying one particular protein in the body and still not know the complete picture and how it fits into normal or abnormal functions in the body.

I've also been thinking a lot about emotions as well. There are different thoughts on emotions, especially the extremes. Sometimes people say that emotions (especially the extreme ones) are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, which I think can be true. Some people think that emotions are the figment of our imaginations, and it must be squashed and logic should take over. But no one really knows how or why we have the emotions we do. And why do certain physical triggers affect our emotions? Like hunger. Hunger is a physical thing, yet it can produce so many emotions. But if emotions are just all chemically based, then how can we reason our way out of things? Take the dark for instance. About a month or so ago, I was sitting in my living room, reading about Saddam Hussein's guilty verdict. It was dark out, and the subject was kind of weird and creepy. All of a sudden I hear a knock on the door, and this kid is there, in a leather jacket, and a stocking cap. I'm immediately in a state of apprehension, given all of that. It turned out to be okay, but I had to talk myself out of being scared. And I was able to mentally be okay, even when my body was still on alert. And emotions are further complicated by the fact that the same situation doesn't produce the same feelings all the time. Again, the dark. I can be in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night camping, and be at peace and comfortable. I can be in the woods in the middle of the night walking somewhere, and be totally freaked out. So that argues against a purely chemical basis for emotion. In that case, I'm left to the Creator and Designer to say that he made us somehow to be emotional beings. Even if people would say that the situations are not 100% the same because of subtle differences, I would still have to come back to the creator. Because if it all is 100% chemical balance, there would have to be billions of possible combinations depending on the scenario, the contextual clues, and the mix of hormones and chemicals. Can you imagine - humans only use about 10% of their brain capacity on learning and thought. Can you imagine all the stuff God needs to keep track of and how much greater He is? It just blows me away.

Reminds me of Psalm 8.

Moving up and moving on

So I'm taking a break from cleaning my room (a long overdue chore!) I've been sorting through a box that has moved with me from my one apartment on campus to the other apartment (Dec 2004) to my current apartment (July 2005). So here it is, November of 2006, almost 2 years since the first move, and the stuff has been sitting in this enormous box for me to trip over everytime I try to get into my room. It's an odd assortment of old papers, lists of books I'd like to read, some Psalty and Colby cassette tapes from my childhood, random hair ties and what seems like millions of double A's that are long since dead. Kind of funny to think about, since most of this stuff did have a use at one point in time, and was "needed", or I wouldn't have purchased it in the first place. And now, especially since it's a bunch of little things in the bottom of the box, it seems like useless clutter, and I'm tempted to through the lot of it out the window for the garbageman to carry away. But I will continue to sift through - I'm telling myself to just put away one thing at a time, and then before I know it, it will be done! I will say though, I did discover somethings I thought I had lost forever, so it is exciting to know that I can still find them and use them. Thought I'm kicking myself, because it's so close, yet so far!

I guess it's good to do this sorting at the beginning of the holiday season, so I won't be as tempted by all those ads touting stuff you "must" have, or else you will cease to exist. Speaking of ads, I really don't like that Nextel ad with the blinking cell phones. On the one hand, it's semi-clever, though on the other hand, it's just REALLY annoying, especially when they take the picture of the deer. Sorry, random side note. Back to the point. So it's good I'm doing this right before the mass consumerism pushed on us at Christmas. And I'm trying to get rid of things that are past their useful lifespan, but that I really want to hold on to. Like that really comfy t-shirt with ragged edges that I've had since the 90's (late 90's, but okay, that was a decade ago - yikes!) And why exactly do I need 25 of (insert your favorite toy here)? So my new motto is "less is more". Except of course, when it comes to violets :)

ducks make me smile

this morning I walked out of my house to go to work, and I was grumbling because of all the rain yesterday. because of this rain, we now have 4-6 huge ruts in our driveway, about 2 1/2 feet wide and about 6 inches deep. Plus, all the runoff created a mess in the yard, with leaves and debris everywhere! So I'm debating if I should ignore the problem and hope it goes away, wait 'till spring and nicer weather to clean it up, or just suck it up and clean the mess out of the yard.

As I pulled into work, I looked over at the huge drainage pond in front of the med center. It's normally dry and covered with grass, but everytime it rains a lot, that drainage ditch really does become a pond, or a medium sized lake. As I looked over, I noticed that there were 50-60 ducks and geese, having a wonderful time swimming around, flapping their wings and splashing each other, and practicing take-offs and landings. It was really fun to watch! They didn't care how the water got there, or that yesterday they were pelted with rain and were dodging lightning bolts, or confused because this lake wasn't usually there. they were thinking - hey, cool, a lake! hey - you splashed me! you'd better watch out - I'm gonna get you back!

maybe I'll go splash in a few puddles on my way home :)

it's 10:23 pm

Not that that is relevant, I just couldn't think of a better title! I'm amazingly content this evening, though I didn't get my "alone" time that I usually need today. It was a day where not much got done at all, but I didn't feel bad about it either. Perhaps since the holidays are coming up and I know I get a real rest before I gear up again. Or maybe it's something else, I don't know. I had a long conversation with one of my committee members today about my project. He wanted me to bring my seminar and go over each slide with him. And it was interesting - the whole time I was talking to him, I just felt this real contentment and this peace. Have you ever been so at rest or so at peace that it was almost tangible? Like you wanted to pick it out of the air and hold it close to you, basking in the enjoyment. Like the smell of cinnamon apple tea and the feel of the warm cup in your hand. Or like taking a nap or reading a good book curled up on the couch on an overcast day. It was so nice to feel that way. And he asked the most interesting questions -they were questions I should have known - if I reached way back into the far recesses of my mind - but strangely enough, I really want to go look them up now. And then I got the vegetables and came home and enjoyed a really good salad and then nachos from Taco Bell. After that, I went to Walmart with a friend who can't drive and doesn't get out much. And that contentment and peace just followed me all through the evening. And it's still here now, and still tangible. For the first time this week, I'm not going to go to bed because I'm bored! It's nice knowing that this evening somehow, someway, meant something, and wasn't just wasted and spent on myself. So now I'm going to sign off and go to bed, and may this peace follow me through the starry dust of my dreams and as I wake up tomorrow.

Need furniture?

So I was writing an e-mail to Joanna and thinking about her lack of furniture at work. And I was thinking - what do they have a lot of? Boxes! I'll bet there are websites that tell you how to make cardboard furniture. And lo and behold, thanks to Google (see it's good for something Rachel!) there are numerous websites dedicated to the subject.

Here's one complete with picture:
http://www.andrewsenior.com/gallery/design/chair.html

and here's one that I threw in, because it's good for a great laugh when you read the blurb describing the book:
http://www.mycraftbook.com/Book_Reviews/Creative_Cardboard.asp

Who knew you could be so creative with cardboard? :)

Love

Recently I've had a chance to be more of a friend to someone who is not a Christian. It's interesting, because it's one of the first times that I can see that I'll have an opportunity to share what I believe and why I believe it. And it was interesting to think about what I would say if I was asked why I was a Christian, or why I believe in God. The things that came to mind immediately were the kind of "churchy" answers, such as "Jesus died for me and saved me from my sins". That's easy to say, and kind of what we've been trained to say. It makes perfect sense to me - I've grown up in the church my whole life, and those kind of answers are familiar to me. But I was really struggling with the relevancy of that kind of answer to a non-Christian. I think if I was a non-Christian, that wouldn't be enought to make me believe. Sin? I mean, I'm a good person, yeah, I do things occasionally that are probably not the best, but sin? What is sin anyways? Why does it matter?

So I was pondering this for about a week. Then last week I saw the announcement for the Nobel Peace prize, and it directed me to nobelprize.org for more info on the man who won. While there, I came across Mother Theresa's speech when she won the Nobel Peace prize in 1979. It was an incredible speech. She's always fascinated and amazed me, but reading this speech was just amazing. There's no other word for it. If you get a chance, you should read it . Basically Mother Theresa states that love is the most important thing in the world, the most important gift you can give. She says that the disease of the poor and forgotten is the same disease that can affect the rich as well - feeling unwanted and unloved. Here's a story she told:

"The other day I received 15 dollars from a man who has been on his back for twenty years, and the only part that he can move is his right hand. And the only companion that he enjoys is smoking. And he said to me: I do not smoke for one week, and I send you this money. It must have been a terrible sacrifice for him, but see how beautiful, how he shared, and with that money I bought bread and I gave to those who are hungry with a joy on both sides, he was giving and the poor were receiving. This is something that you and I - it is a gift of God to us to be able to share our love with others. And let it be as it was for Jesus. Let us love one another as he loved us. Let us love Him with undivided love. And the joy of loving Him and each other - let us give now - that Christmas is coming so close. Let us keep that joy of loving Jesus in our hearts. And share that joy with all that we come in touch with. And that radiating joy is real, for we have no reason not to be happy because we have no Christ with us. Christ in our hearts, Christ in the poor that we meet, Christ in the smile that we give and the smile that we receive. Let us make that one point: That no child will be unwanted, and also that we meet each other always with a smile, especially when it is difficult to smile."

And it struck me, that's it. That's why I am a Christian. Christ has loved me. This person I am reaching out to has said "what's the secret to eternal happiness?" "I tried work, and that's not it." After reading Mother Theresa's speech, it was just so amazing to realize that I could explain in terms anyone could understand, and anyone could relate to. Christ's love is this - he says "this life is hard, but I love you enough to say - this world is not it." I died for you to say, even though you will struggle now, I love you enough to give you a place after this life. I love you enough to want you to be with me for all eternity. You don't have to be the best, the brightest, the prettiest. In fact, you can be the ugliest, the stupidest, the lowliest person on earth, and I have a place for you with me in heaven, if you believe. I love you enough to give you a hope and a future."

That is truly love, and that is truly amazing.

awesome verse

I came across a really neat verse this morning as I was reading through Amos of all books.

Amos 4:12-13 - ...prepare to meet your God, O Israel.
He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man, he who turns dawn into darkness, and treads the high places of the earth - the LORD God Almighty is his name.

Wow, what a verse. the part - and reveals his thoughts to man - just really struck me. Our God, who is so powerful and can form mountains, create the wind, and tread the high places of earth, chooses to reveal his thoughts to man. That's just so amazing.

The flip side

This morning I was thinking about my post on how other's opinions matter to us, and we (or at least I) don't want people to think badly of me or misunderstand where I was coming from. So that got me thinking about the flip side. What are my opinions of other people, and what am I critical of in others? Am I critical of things without knowing the whole story, and do I criticize just based on the outward actions, or based on the real intentions of the person? I was talking to someone the other day and made the comment - evaluate the person and the actions separately - you don't know how that person got to that place. Sure, you may decide the action is wrong, and you may even need to tell them that, but don't be overly critical and judgemental of that person, because you don't know what was going on inside of them at the time, or the circumstances. I've been feeling a real burden lately to be compassionate towards others and really trying to find out the reason behind why they do certain things. It's kind of a desire to really get to know that person and what makes them tick and what makes them do certain things (both good and bad). Someone in church a few weeks ago preached on how C.S. Lewis' book The Weight of Glory is all about being known by God and that is the weight of glory, knowing that someone knows you inside and out and still loves you intensely anyway. I've never read the book, so I don't know if that's what it's really about, but that is such a great thought, and makes me want to live my life in such a way that I get to know people and love them for who they are and not reject them or judge them for things they do. It's so hard to do sometimes (especially at work, where it seems like everyone is critical!) but I think in the end it's the right and the best thing to do.

Other's good opinions...

I've been thinking lately how much we care about other people's opinions. It creeps in to our lives in so many ways and can have a significant impact on what we do or how we do things. I was riding my bike this afternoon along the trail, going up the fairly long hill by our house. There were people walking, and I kept thinking - I hope I can make it up this hill, or they are going to think - what a wimp, she can't make it up the hill the whole way! Why do I even care what they think or don't think? I have no clue who they are, and will probably never see them again. Yet I was trying to avoid having them think less of me. When I finally got home, I was thinking about a book I wanted to order from Amazon. So I was thinking I should read the other reviews of the book online to decide whether I really wanted to get it. Then it struck me how silly that was! Here I am, basing my decisions on what other people think, and I have no idea who they are or if they even like the same things I do! They could be 90 year old grandmas or 15 year old teens, or atheists or monks or whatever! Yet I am again basing my decisions on what other people think. Granted, this is kind of a trival example, but it will be interesting to see how many other ways people I don't even know influence me...

Violets, violets everywhere!

I have a confession to make... I'm a violet addict! What is a violet addict, you might ask? It's when you can't help but get more violets, even though you already have... shall we say... several? A person posted an offer on Freecycle for free African violets, and this is the thought that went through my head - oh, wow, that's neat, I should see if she still has some! So...yeah. Before tonight, Joanna and I had 12 pots of violets, 13 actual African violets, if you count the pot with two plants in it. So I told the lady - I'd like 2-3 plants, if you had any pink ones, that would be great. I show up, and she's given me a box with 9 violets! I mean, it would be rude to refuse, besides, who can resist violets with names like "sparkleberry" and "rainbow's quiet riot"? After I left the lady's house, I was laughing all the way home. Let's hope Joanna can laugh too when she gets home...

Anyone up for pot shopping? :)

Trust

Trust is a hard thing. I just looked it up online, and the definition according to Merriam-Webster is:

Trust: a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed
2 a : dependence on something future or contingent

I think the hard part for me is part # 2: dependence on something future or contingent, especially when I have no control over what happens or the direction something is going. If I can't depend on the outcome or even trust that the way to get there was valid or makes sense, then I get nervous sometimes. It's been interesting the last few weeks to learn more about myself and to take some of the initially hard to swallow thoughts and comments and just chew on them awhile (there's a good old central PA-ism there for ya). I guess not being able to trust in the sense of not being able to depend on future results shows a lack of trust in the sense of #1. If I can't trust that the outcome will be okay, even though the way doesn't make sense, then I'm not having assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of God. I think my lack of trust comes sometimes from not wanting to give up control, or the semblance of control. Making decisions without all the information is extremely hard for me. I've been trained to research all the information and then make the best decision given my amount of knowledge and experience and training. And then you revise your decision if new info comes along. But people aren't like that. You can't always just go back and take back what you've said or done. So if I don't know the answers, then I have to "let go and let God". Which is kind of crazy if you think about it. People who hear other people or voices talk to them and tell them what to do are generally called crazy and put in insane asylums!

It's also interesting thinking of how God gives us a choice on many things, yet we've been taught that He knows what's best for us. And he does. Sometimes though, praying feels kind of pointless in some respects, because if he knows what's best for us, then why bother asking for something that's not the best, if he's going to give it to us anyway? And why, if he's given us intelligence and made us in his image and put his spirit in us, can't we ever know what's best for us? I'd think that at least once we'd get it right, just by statistical chance. But I guess it goes back to limited sight, and seeing through a glass darkly. If you're a kid and you have only ever tasted vanilla ice-cream, you're going to ask your dad for vanilla ice-cream. But what if he gives you chocolate chip? It's still ice cream, it's still vanilla, but oh so much more tasty! And now your horizons are expanded. Or what if he gave you mocha almond fudge or peanut butter cup or moose tracks or rocky road? wow! that would be incredible :) By the same token, sometimes if we ask for mocha almond fudge, he might only give us vanilla. Because he knows that we've had 4 shots of espresso that day and 2 cokes and 2 pieces of birthday cake! and if we ate mocha almond fudge, that would be too much and we would get sick. So what am I saying? I don't know exactly. I just want to be able to trust Him more, and not feel that last little bit of reluctance in my heart which prevents me from complete relenquishment of control....oh that I might get there soon and not be afraid. Because I'm my beloved's and he is mine...and his banner over me is love.

Praise for the little things

This was so cool and encouraging today... it's kind of a little thing, but it means a lot somehow....

I had been working on this thing since approximately January at work. It was pretty simple and shouldn't be that difficult. Yet for some reason I couldn't get it to work, no matter what I tried! I felt so dumb, because I couldn't get it to work, and thought I was just missing something, etc... and I have been really discouraged about it. I've been avoiding doing this or anything like it, because I felt like I was stupid and it would never work because I can't get it. Then today I was "randomly" talking to another student who used the DNA that I had been working on, and he told me that the DNA was shorter than I had originally thought. Which means that of course I couldn't get it to work, because I was trying to do things with the piece of DNA that was missing! So it's not that I can't do this after all, I was just missing some information, and incorrectly thought I had something I didn't. So that was so encouraging! And it gives me renewed energy and focus to work on a bunch of things like that which I need to do in the near future. So thank you God for showing me that - I feel like it's a real "breakthrough"!

Please keep praying for my research and me as I try to finish up - things like this are so encouraging, and I pray that I will be faithful to work diligently and finish up in the time frame that's needed. I want to be honoring to my boss and to God, working as unto Him, and by doing so, being a witness and a testimony to God's grace in my life.

Friends

In case you haven't heard, the last few weeks have been craziness with moving/not moving/moving/not moving... throw a dart and see where it lands, moving/not moving.... you get the point. But it's been awesome to have felt the love of all of you, my friends, from near and far. You make me laugh, the thought of leaving you has made me cry, we've shared late night talks and early morning walks, and so many experiences and journeys together. Who can forget Men's Cooking Night to late night sleepovers to Pride and Prejudice to "girly conversations" to just being silly with each other, to encouraging one another and lifting each other up. Who could ask for anything more? God's love has been so evident in the way each of you has cared for me, sent me encouraging e-mails, given me advice (both good and bad!), teased me about being short, done things for me. I feel so loved, and am blown away by God's gracious gifts to me. It's going to be so crazy and sad to leave when God calls me on. So I guess it's a good thing I get to stay right here in Hershey and can continue this incredible journey and friendship with each one of you. That's right, you're not rid of me yet.... :) Stay tuned for more details.....

Love, Kel

sleep is overrated

I just have to say 3 things:

1) 2 am
2) flip-flop spades
3) doritos and m&m's

Do you know where your friends are? :)

good things

I've been thinking lately about all the good things in my life, and how they add so much to my daily life and who I am. Yet at the same time good things can be really distracting, and if there are too many of them they can be really draining. Sometimes saying no to good things is what we really need, even though it's difficult. It's especially hard for me to say no to good things sometimes when they involve relationships with friends and other people, since loyalty and being a good friend are some of my highest priorities and make me who I am. Tonight I was supposed to go to EPIC, but there were a lot of things that have been distracting me lately, and a lot of things I had been pushing off. So I stayed home and did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. And I realized that's a good thing too - both the saying no, and the cleaning of the kitchen. And now I'm just sitting in the livingroom, with a clean kitchen, one lamp on, the fan blowing and the windows wide open to the gorgeous night, listening to my favorite mix of songs, letting the peace and rest wash over me. And that is truly a good thing.

contentment

today was interesting, as I would randomly realize I was content out of the blue. A lot's been on my mind lately, personally and with work, which kind of makes me preoccupied all day, as I tend to think about it and try to figure out what's going on or what to do. Stuff tends to cloud my mind also when I'm tired, and I was very tired today, as I haven't gotten much sleep in the last few days. But all of a sudden I would realize I had a very full and content feeling, which was neat. One was when I was in the pool at my friend's house, just sitting there doing nothing, having fun sitting in the water and enjoying the people sitting around me. (and I realize I need to get to the pool more, that's one of the things I really miss from being a kid! We used to go to the pool every night in the summer - it was great :) Then I went to church to help in the nursery with VBS. I had signed up a while ago, and didn't really want to do it today after all, as I was super tired, and preoccupied with what I have to do tomorrow. I really didn't have much energy to play with a bunch of kids! But my friend's daughter Ann was kind of fussy, since she wasn't feeling well. So I just fed her crackers, and then we just sat on the couch as she laid against my chest, and I rubbed her back for most of the time. And I found myself really content, sitting there with her fitting perfectly in my lap, with the fan blowing on us, just taking it easy since we both had a rough day. And I was being useful, just sitting there holding her. And I felt content and full and happy, and wishing I could just hold her more often. I love her Ann and her sisters so much, and they aren't even my own kids. It's going to be so amazing to be able to just sit and hold and enjoy my own daughter someday. It's so amazing how God makes little kids so cute and with such ability to trust and love and be loved. Well, I'm going to sign off now, as I have to get up early tomorrow, and I need sleep!

walking by faith, not by sight

2 Corinthians 5:7 - We walk by faith, not by sight....The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

Some verses you just know, since you've memorized them and heard them your whole life. Somehow they take on a whole new meaning though when you're actually living them. Funny how I reach back for comforting verses to reassure myself, as we often do. Give me a verse to comfort me and reassure me that everything's going to be okay. Funny how that's exactly what these verses do. And yet, stopping and thinking about the meaning, and realizing that's what you have to do right now. Somehow it's easier to say these verses and feel totally comfortable with the meaning when you CAN see what's ahead. Oh, yeah, walk by faith, not by sight, no problem! But sitting and wrestling with the practical, down to earth, immediate consequences of those verses when you really can't see...wow. not such an easy kind of thing anymore.

This has me thinking about our witness too. How many times do we rattle off verses to non-Christians trying to comfort them or witness or whatever, just because we've memorized them and those are the verses we are "supposed" to say, without truly wrestling with the implications of those verses? Do they truly have meaning in our lives? Do we remember the struggles we went through later on and what those verses really mean when things are okay again?

Business card briefings

so another of our many somewhat random topics of conversation this afternoon was about making business cards for our personal use, and what would be on them to be representative of ourselves. So of course I thought of putting a penguin on mine, because that would be something that would represent me, and when people think of me and my favorite animal, they think of penguins. (Plus I think it would be so cool to go to Antarctica sometime! and it would help me round out my goal of traveling to every continent in my lifetime.) BUT, giving out my business card with a penguin on it doesn't seem very...professional, or businesslike, or whatever a business card is supposed to represent. So there's this dichotomy between who I am and my interests and what I like and what people expect me to present myself as, or what they think an aspiring professional, educated, straight-laced graduate student should be! And that's precisely what I hate! Having to represent myself as something other than who I want to be just to satisfy the conventions or stereotypes of society. We even discussed that this afternoon, how I don't want to be "pegged" as anything and I'm continually trying to do things that will totally surprise people, and they would never imagine in a million years that Kelly would do something like that. So I don't know what to do with that. A lot of times I feel like I should just accept that - it's the way society is. And then I feel like I shouldn't have to accept it, because it just feels wrong.

honesty

So one of the things that really stood out at me from this afternoon's conversation was about blogs being honest or being only what you want other people to know/see about you. So that really got me started thinking about honesty and what it means. If you only reveal parts of yourself to someone, is that not being honest? I mean we often say that you have to tell the whole truth to be completely honest. But that often refers to someone conveniently leaving out information that could change the situation if it was known. Is it not being honest to not share information that doesn't necessarily change the picture? Can you be honest, especially about yourself if you don't tell everything? what exactly is honesty beyond not lying or intentionally misleading someone?

The other view from wood road...

wow, what an amazing evening. I'm sitting on the back porch writing this post, and it's the perfect temperature with the perfect humidity, the sky is clear and there's an amazing sunset. The lawn is polka-dotted with flashing fireflies, and the air is punctuated with the hum of the haying machines....I'm actually quite amused again. it's one of those "all's right with the world" moments, and one of those moments where oddly enough, all these random things seem to come together. Like being out in the fields watching the haying machines at 9:00 on a saturday night. It's funny and amusing and randomness coming together all at once! I have never known much at all about any sort of farm stuff, but a couple of weeks ago in my business class, we had a guy from Case New Holland come over and talk to us about farming equipment. I never knew it was so sophisticated and complex! It was intriguing, and one of those things I filed away in my mind for later. And now, just a few short weeks later, I can see it in action in the field next to my house! It's also funny, because the haying machine is John Deere, not CNH, which amuses me too (yes, only I would be amused by that!). It's just so perfect sitting out here, in this house, with this view, looking at the freshly cut lawn, and OH - earlier this evening I heard a rustling in the little thicket we have out back, thinking - that's a HUGE rabbit, and out ran a deer! Probably an early teenage deer, if it was a person. Quite cool! The first time I've really seen a deer here. Hmm, what to do next? Take a walk? Lay on the lawn and watch the stars?
almost anything on this perfectly perfect evening.... sigh.

Mt. Gretna musings

Okay, so here we go, my first foray into the world of blogging... :) I was sort of talked into it by my roommate Joanna to begin with the other day when she started her blog. I wanted to comment on her postings, but couldn't unless I signed up myself (which she has since changed). But anyhow, I decided to create a site but wasn't planning on posting anything, since I don't know what to write, don't know many people who would be interested in reading it, and generally didn't want to feel like I had to post anything on a regular basis, just for the few people who might actually read it! but that's digressing.... so this post is a specific response to somewhat of a challenge or an interesting idea that came out of this afternoon's discussion at the Jigger Shop in Mt. Gretna. John and Joanna and I were chatting, and the subject of blogs came up. I can tell that John has a really high opinion of blogs (ha ha :) and the joke evolved into seeing what a person really thought of something, someone, or some event by reading their blog. So then it was decided that each of us should post our thoughts on the afternoon via blog. Of course I can't resist a good challenge, so I figured I'd take up the task at hand. Plus, we had a really great conversation on the way home, it's a nice evening, and I'm home by myself sitting on the porch, so I'm in the mood to just chill out and discourse on the discussion of the afternoon :) And, amazingly, the past 15 minutes have flown by, since my spinach casserole is now beeping at me from inside. MMM, Spinach Fandango! An amazing recipe courtesy of my Messiah roommate Suzanne. Yum!

Okay, so I'm back. How to distill this afternoon down into a blog posting.... it started out as an idea Joanna had of going hiking this afternoon. I've never been to Mt. Gretna, though it is not too far outside of Hershey. She insisted that I had to go, since it was a cute place, and she couldn't believe I'd never been there! And I'm glad I went :) It is a quaint little town, very New Englandy feeling to me. Reminded me a lot of upstate New York, and the cabins that are around Lake Ozonia that my dad's family goes to each year. It really reminded me a lot of summer vacation for some reason, probably because of the way the houses were, the fact that there was a lake to swim in, and the little walking paths and stone steps going places. Oddly enough, it reminded me of an artisan community I visited in Taiwan! There were a lot of places with steep stone steps leading places in that town in Taiwan, which might be why I was reminded of it.

The whole afternoon was really nice, and I enjoyed walking around the lake and everything. But for me, the afternoon really picked up soon after we had finished walking on this little path that was connected to the main parts by those stone steps I was mentioning before. When we came down and out onto the main part again, we were by the Mt. Gretna Playhouse, which was performing a musical review of Cole Porter. For some reason, that just really tickled me that we were outside of it, watching part of it through the curtains. A lot of the places looked Victorian/dollhouse like, and it just highly amused me for some reason! Then we went to the gift shop, which was also fun. I like poking around in them and looking at all the different stuff they have. So I went inside, and when I came out, I found that Joanna and John had discovered a rack of puzzles! Wow, how funny! We have a thing for puzzles, and it was just so much fun being random and looking at all of these old puzzles and the comments written on them. So we ended up buying these puzzles, since they were only like a buck apiece. The funny part looking at these puzzles is that John and Joanna bought puzzles that had no picture on the front of them! while the one had an interesting name (golden harvest), I'm not sure I could have bought a puzzle with no picture on the front! Of course I had to look it up on google also, just to satisfy my curiosity! :)

so then we went from there to the Jigger shop to get some ice cream. John and Joanna were completely "puzzled" as to what to get (of course bad puns are par for the course, at least when John and I are around...) But they finally settled on something, and we sat down to commence quite a long but interesting conversation, about everything from Rachel's going away party to what we're doing on the 4th of July to blogs themselves to what we would put on our business cards to what would be something to define us, to the discussions and meetings that have been going on at Hershey Free - you name it, it was mentioned!! But that was the cool part about the afternoon, and it's just what I'm all about. Friends sitting around and having a good time with one another, giving each other a hard time but not too hard a time, discussing what's important in our lives, whether it be what to do for a good friend that's leaving, how to make a potato themed meal without potatoes, or how do you walk as a leader of the church and discern God's calling as well as remaining sensitive to and taking into account the church's feelings in the matter as well. It was just really neat. This evening when I was talking to Rachel, she was talking about leaving the group and she said "this group has a different feeling to it than other groups of friends I've had. you just feel peace when you're with this group". Wow. that really meant a lot to me. It's so true for me, and it's what I wanted God to accomplish through this group when it got started. I don't know that I could have articulated it that way back then, but it's so amazing to think that's what He's done for us. It will be hard to move on whenever God calls me to move on, but right now I'm just so thankful and so humbled by what he's done, that I'm just trying to enjoy every moment that I have while I have it.